More judgment on less time

So, the healthcare professional that I have been seeing for the past 15 years just retired the end of January. Good for him. He deserved it.

The doctor that stepped in and took over has met with me twice. Once for a PAP Smear and once to talk about a follow up appointment from the ER. Both appointments were 10 minutes tops.

Who am I to tell someone how to do their job? But clearly 20 minutes isn’t long enough to know their medical history especially when you see a few hundred patients.

Two years ago, my previous doctor told me I was no longer able to work due to the medical issues and anxiety/depression problems I am having. He further told me that having a chronic pain disorder no pain med will ever help me. Which, we have found to be true. Since then, my health has declined and they have uncovered even more issues and they just keep piling up.

It’s now to the point were I’m losing balance, falling, etc. And needing more help around the house. I was advised to file for disability and have since done so.

When you spend the last wo years of your life living like a bum because you are told you’re not able to work and you physically know you’re not able to and you’re body reminds you of that on a daily basis, things get tough. I have to turn in letters to places every 90 days from my doctor saying that I am not able to work to help with the bills until I am able to get a date to go to court for my disability case.

So, knowing this, the new doctor wrote a note saying that I am able to go back to work with restrictions. WTF?! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!!!!

I have neuropathy from my hips down to my toes, degenerative spine, congenative heart disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, Clinical Depression, Severe Anxiety (panic attacks)… And these are just to name a few!!!!

I can’t feel my legs to stand, and you want me to work? I can’t sit for long periods without swelling to dangerous levels, and you want me to work??

I just spent the last two years working on getting a disability case going and she shoots it down in 2 minutes!!! Then, didn’t even bother to tell me to my face!!! She waited for me to leave the office and had my therapist email me to tell me, AFTER she sent the letter to the place it needed to go!!!

She took no time to ask me about my medical history or go over it with me. The judgement.

I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of fighting with the medical field. What does a person have to do to get a doctor to take the time to listen to them and their needs? Die?

Another Review

**Below is a review based on personal experiences of myself and my fiance for Comfort Suites South -Grand Rapids, MI**

If you enjoy staying in places were the General Manager sexualizes and womanizes female employees, demoralizes and assassinates the character of their staff then this is the place for you!

My fiance worked for this place for just over a year. During that time he was treated like total shit, watched other employees get treated unfairly and saw things that were very unbecoming of what the hospitality industry is supposed to stand for.

The GM, made rude and harsh comments about the staff that HE hired, would not allow company funds to be spent on the fixing of this building and wanted to do everything for “cheap”. When the staff asked for commercial grade cleaners, he was told NO. He was told to make due with what they had, even though it was wrong for the current need.

Comments that were made to staff about their weight and appearances and thought it was funny, which enough to file a lawsuit for defamation of character.

The GM made it hostile work environment by the comments he made and the poor attitude he exemplified on a daily basis. He would tell employees to not bring their “personal” problems into work, however, he was always showing up with a chip on his shoulder and an attitude that would make anyone uncomfortable and it a hard place to work.

He never took blame when something went wrong that was directed by him. He always made sure that he put the blame on those that worked for him.

This hotel has a high turnover rate of employees due to the GM (General Manager). There are several still working there that would like to leave, but know that they are not able to afford to at this present time.

Lines are blurred when it comes to peoples job description. What is actually stated, and what is asked to and told to be done are two seperate things.

If you are ok with this, then by all means, go ahead and stay here.

Update 09/20/2018

Just to add to the saga of assholians and drama that this hotel provides, apparently, people aren’t allowed to come and pick up their final checks without being called up on the phone by the general manager (Pete) and threatened. Yeah, my fiance went in to get his last check and had told a few of his friends that still work their that if they were looking for a second job, he had a place that would like to interview them.

Hey Pete, offering people a second opportunity to make money and do better for themselves is not a crime you dickhead moron!! Stop calling and harassing people because your an insecure jackass!! No one did anything wrong, and if you think they did you need to start using your head… By the way, that’s the lump located 3 feet above your ass!

Thoughts from a Medicated Mind

Photo by Michael Fischer on Pexels.com

So, as most of you are aware, I have begun using Medical Marijuana. This came after several trial and errors with medication for my Fibromyalgia and Chronic Nerve Pain. By the urging of my doctor none the less as he was out of ideas and out luck. Now the cat is out of the bag. Go ahead and pass your judgement, tell me how wrong I am, call me the drug user/pothead. At this point, I truly don’t care what you think of me.

I have been able to manage my pain a lot better. Not saying that it is gone or wipes it out completely, but it does make it more manageable. It also brings sleep to me when I haven’t been able to sleep for days because I am not able to get comfortable and get the rest I need. When my anxiety and depression are so bad that I put myself into a panic attack, or I don’t want to go on with my life, I am able to calm my nerves and take the time that I need to reflect and pull myself back together.

Now, moving on to better things… Over the past year, I have discovered that I have some of my best ideas, creativity and most profound thoughts when I medicate. Some of the recipes that I have put together have been pretty cool, others not so much.

With that said… I have been thinking about blogging some of the things that I think about or develop along the way. Not sure how many would actually read something written by someone that was “medicating”. I can give it a shot… The least that can happen is that I get my ideas written down so I don’t forget them later on.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A wordy review!

Below is my review for Village Motorsports on Plainfield in Grand Rapids  Michigan. Google and Yelp! say my review is too long, so I have decided to place it here to be read as well as on Facebook. This is a review and review alone. Not my normal blog post. Please keep that in mind.

 

**Horrible, and I do mean horrible place!!! My better half purchased a bike from them, only to have it be lemon. Yes, it is a used bike, however, the bike is a death trap. They told us that the bike was set and ready to go and that there was no problems or issues and that it had been placed through a safety inspection. After taking the bike home for the first time, it stalled on the way home and left him stranded. Thankfully, another biker came along to help him. While he was there helping him, the discovered that the battery was not new and replaced like the shop had told him it was and that the connector cable was shot and half of it was missing and one of the grounds were backwards which was causing another shortage.

The second time taking the bike out, the bike stalled on him again on APPLE Ave with a semi coming up rapidly behind him. Thankfully he didn’t get smashed into. We ended up having to leave the bike with a friend until Village could come up and get it and haul it back to their shop to fix it after we raised a stink letting them know they sold us a messed up bike. They promised they would fix it, go over everything with a fine tooth comb and get it fixed right. Yeah, that was a joke. They had the bike for just shy of two weeks, and they tried telling is that they found the problem within 10 minutes and that it was an easy fix and that they had it fixed and it was ready to go. They told us that the negative was in the wrong spot on the bike and that the air filter was saturated with oil. How can this happen when we’ve done nothing, and this is how the bike was sold to us??

The mechanic, Josh, called us and told us that they couldn’t even find paperwork for service on the bike before it was sold to us. That right there says that they did NOT put in the through a safety inspection or check for problems like they are supposed to before they list it to sell!!!

We picked up the bike after they claimed to have put it through service and the problems to be fixed at their cost… Yeah, bullshit!!! The bike would not hold a charge, stalled out and was smoking do to oil leaking all over the damn motor!!

Well, we gave Village the opportunity to make it right and fix it, and they didn’t. So, we took it to Harley Davidson (because it is a Harley bike) to see if they would be able find out what’s wrong with it… Oh boy, did they ever. Just by looking at it and not delving into, they picked up 8 things right off the bat!!!

1. Multiple oil leaks
2. Wrong seat
3. Front cylinder leaks
4. Left fork leaking
5. Positive battery terminal broken (which wasn’t broken when it went into Village to be fixed)
6. Inner primary leaking
7. Rear brake lock nut loose
8. Rear tire at 2/32 tread

You cannot tell me with all that wrong, that the bike was all set and ready to go. Again, bullshit. You can’t even tell me that it went through a safety inspection from Village as they claimed… How is it possible that the tech at Harley could see that without even taking the bike apart and just doing a walk around, but the so called mechanics at Village can’t?? Are you serious???? Harley Davidson said that it should have legally been listed as a “Mechanics Special”. IT WASN’T!!!

So, we called Shane (the big boss) at Village this morning to let him know what had been happening and to let him know that they should know the bike had left us in a lurch again and that we will be having Harley Davidson fix it this time since we can’t trust them on their word or shotty workmanship. We also let them know that we had been talking to attorneys to find out about our rights in this matter. He was quick to get off the phone with us and tell is that he would have Brad his manager at the Plainfield location (where we bought the bike) to call us back.

When we got the call back, he let us know  they would not be paying for anything and basically that it’s our fault theirs so many issues with it and that they will lawyer up and we don’t have a legal leg to stand on… Brad was so rude and arrogant to us both in the phone that he’s lucky I couldn’t reach through the phone to slap him. He’s saying we were personally attacking him by being upset. WRONG!!! He took it personally. We are upset with the fact that the bike sold to us telling us there was nothing wrong with it, that it had not been inspected as it should, they had it for two weeks and still didn’t fix it and left us with a mess again. He, in a position of management actually told us that the owners of the company stated “too fucking bad” and they wouldn’t do ANYTHING further to fix the mess they sold. He also stated that he in good conscience is comfortable with selling a bike with that many problems, and not telling anyone about it, because it was an “As Is” sale. He didn’t care that it had all of those safety issues wrong with it and that the almighty dollar was more important than someone’s safety or life. Just make note, we never threatened him by any means, but he made it a point to let us know that if we stepped foot on the property  have us removed and a restraining order put in place. WTF?!?! Are you kidding me?!?!

He was degrading and talking down to me over the phone as if I didn’t know what I was talking about and flat out told me he didn’t care what condition the bike was sold in and that it’s our problem now.

His rudeness and arrogance alone, is enough to not want to shop there or recommend them… But oh, wait, it doesn’t matter to him. Since. According to him, they will always come out on top and as long as their product sells, that is all he cares about. Total clusterfuck!!! Clueless mechanics and a pompous ass manager!!!

Today, this is my prayer…

Lord,

You and only you know what I have been going through. You know that the struggle is real within these walls of my home and my heart. You know that things have not been good and there has been a struggle. The pain and heartache that I feel in this moment and at this time is not going to go away without your help. I have been searching for answers that I may never find, and I have to know that everything is in your time and your time alone. No matter what I do or say, it is never going to change.

Here today, I come before you, a humble person. A hurt human and a lost soul. You and you alone are the only one that will be able to help.

I feel betrayed, lost, hurt and alone. And in all of this pain, all I can do is say “I forgive you”, to those that have wronged me. I know that is you working in me. There was a day that I would have lashed out in anger, said hurtful things, done physical harm to the other person… And yet, I feel nothing but love and forgiveness. Thank you for your work that has been done in me thus far. I know that I have a long ways to go, as does everyone, and I am willing to put in the work as long as you are willing to be patient with this sinner and broken person.

I know that this hurt is going to take time, but please help me and work in me to let it pass with ease.

With all I ask, and all I am-

 

AMEN

Late night reflection

Life decisions are hard. Plain and simple. How do we get through making those big, grown up choices half the time?

From what I see, we pick a human and say ” I like this one! I think I’ll live my life with their help along the way and pray it all turns out!”

All the while you struggle to survive the best you know how and do the best you can to be an upstanding person.

In the end, what’s it all for? We all have that one inevitable thing that we just can’t avoid… And who’s going to talk about us 100 years after we’ve gone??

The problems that we have now will appear minimal and unimportant then. They will have come to pass and new problems will be upon the ones we leave behind.

Just one cycle after the other. So really, what’s it all for? It’s not like we’re getting out of this alive!

Another year on the books

How many of you can say that you have had the chore of burying a parent before you hit the age of 30? If that’s not you, then I doubt you will be able to relate to what I am about to write.

I tell the story every year for the past 6 years. Nothing changes and the outcome is always the same in the end.

On September 29, 2011, I received a message while I was at work to call my cousin Felicia. I called her back and I could instantly tell that something was wrong. Now, knowing my dads health history, I figured that she was calling to let me know that my dad was in the hospital again with heart trouble or something related to his diabetes. Little did I know that the assumption I had made would be all wrong.

The words, “Im so sorry Christy, I have some bad news about your dad…” have never hit so hard. After she said “your dad passed away this morning” came out of her mouth, everything else seemed to fade away into the background. I lost all concept of where I was, and that I was supposed to be looking after a group of 8 developmentally challenged adults at the public library. Time seemed to stand still, and I just froze.

I must have said or did something, because the next thing I remember, I had a complete stranger walk up to me and just wrap his arms around me in what seemed like the warmest thing I had ever felt in my life. As this stranger stood there holding me, my mind began racing and it seemed like I was all alone in the world.

Now, I know that’s not the case. I can remember calling my mom and telling her and from there calling my boss at the office and letting them know what had happened and asking them to come to where I was to cover my shift.

I then placed a call to my boyfriend at the time (Lucky), and asked him to come pick up. I didn’t trust myself to drive as I was still in a bit of haze and shock state of mind. After getting home, the calls started coming in. Aunt Ellen, my dads sister, let me know that he had left her in charge of the arrangements, but she still had some questions that she needed answers to for the hospital. Getting a call from the Medical Examiner to ask me if he could use possible viable organs was the next call that came. It seemed as though I just got the call that he was gone, and now Im answering questions about my dads body and if they could use it… Those were questions that I never ever in my life thought that I would have to answer.

Over the course of the next several hours, I would be trying to get the money together to make the 15 hour drive out to Minnesota to clear out my dads apartment and prepare for his funeral.

In the back of my mind, all I could think about was the last time that I had seen my dad alive. My best friend, Tammy, and I had taken my daughter, Serena, out there to see him and spend a long weekend back in 2005. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became. Knowing that even though we had a great time, and he and I were able to spend time together and talk as adults, he only had seen my daughter and spent time with her for 4 lousy days… He was such a proud grandpa, and loved his Serena.

The drive to Arlington, MN was uneventful and I can remember switching drivers throughout the trip. I think I finally collapsed and had Lucky take over the driving when the sun came up.

Arriving to Aunt Ellen’s home, I was so tired that I could hardly walk from the car to the bedroom where we were staying. After a much needed and welcomed nap, nice warm shower and some brief introductions, it was time to get down to business. My dads funeral would be the following day and we had nothing put together. Aunt Ellen and I made the trip to his apartment together. We went through his things to find some pictures that we might be able to use for the funeral the next day.

Aunt Ellen and I had some quality time to talk. I let her know that the reason I was not as involved in my dad’s life as I should have been was because I was always told in growing up that my dad didn’t want anything to do with me, that I was a burden to him, and that I was the reason he left my mom. For that very reason, I had always kept my distance from my dad.

Sadly, it took his death to tell a different story. As we were there going through things and pictures, it was evident that my dad DID love me. My dad DID want to be a part of my life and my dad WAS proud of me and his granddaughter. I had carried a grudge against him for so long, that I kept pushing my dad away. The more we went through his things, the worse I felt. And I learned, 27 years and later his death, my dad loved me and wanted me and now it was too late. I was slapped in the face with the realization that he was no longer there for me to ask for his forgiveness, and he was no longer there for me to tell him how sorry I was, and that I take it all back. All the times that I pushed him aside. There was no making up for lost time now. Tomorrow came too late.

The funeral was beautiful. Many family and friends turned out to show their support for the family and their appreciation for my dad. There was many kinds words spoken about him and memories passed around. I took comfort in the stories that were shared, and it made me feel like I got to know him better as a person.

Burying a parent is a pain that I wish on no one. And now I will remember him every year on September 29 as will many others. And may I one day, get the chance to tell him everything that I didnt and couldnt when he was here.

Cardinal Visits

We all know that time old tale that we heard growing up about the Cardinals. When they appear in our yard, or in our sight it means that we are receiving a visit from a loved one that has passed on and they are showing us that they are here watching over us.

Maybe today I got that sign. Lately, I have found myself thinking a lot about 3 specific people. My Great-Grandma Edna, my Grandpa Ken and my Step-Dad Gene. I haven’t slept much in the last couple months either. Its seems that each time I fall asleep, I find them there in my dreams like they have never left and everything is ok. The only problem is, it isn’t ok. Because I wake up, and they are gone again. It is like having to say goodbye all over again. It is a heartache that just keeps replaying itself over and over again.

I have tried relentlessly to figure out why this is happening. Is it because I haven’t dealt with their death? Is it because I was closer to them throughout life or because I spent so much time around them? I can never seem to find the answer. And when I cant justify it, I end up beating myself up because, I realize that I don’t find myself thinking and reflecting on the passing of my biological father, when I feel like I should. But truth is, I know that he is truly better. With his health the way it was, this cruel world was no place for him. So why can’t I see it that way with the others?

My Great-Grandmas health and mind was starting to slip just before her passing, my Grandpa had kidney failure, and my Step-Dad… Well, the jury is still out on that one. But I do know that he was sick. To what extent, we don’t know. We could never get any straight answers from the doctors.

My whole point to this is that as I was looking out my window today, I saw 3 absolutely beautiful cardinals land together on a tree branch outside my window. They were so full and red. They just sat there and looked at me as I looked at them, and sang. And for the first time in a long time I felt at peace. For a moment I felt like everything was going to be ok, that everything that I am going through right now will pass, and a blanket of comfort came over me.

I always hope that they are there watching over me and are proud of the person that I am STILL becoming.

 

Well, I’m still alive… For the most part

 

Hey everyone. I am still here. So many changes have taken place since I last sat down and took the time to put some thoughts down.

You know that job that I dearly loved and had been at for almost 6 years? Yeah, I’m not there anymore. Its a long story and quite messy. I will say though, that I do miss it and the people… Not just the individuals, but the SOME of the coworkers as well.

I have been trying to get back into the rat race of the employment game since November and sadly nothing has opened up for my yet. Of course I get those wonderful interviews that always seem promising and where I think might take me some place, then I get those lovely rejection emails or letters in the mail. No one has the guts to call anymore… Just sad.

But, Lets back up a minute…. Before all that, I started dating again. I had been single for quite a while and decided that maybe it was time to see if there might possibly be someone out there for me. Per the usual, I put myself out there on all those cliché dating websites, and sure enough I found someone. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary of being together next month (May 8th). So much has happened in that year though. I met Daron… Just a few days after, I lost someone very important in my life. My step-dad passed away suddenly and left my mom and step-siblings behind. That one still shocks me to this day and it doesn’t seem possible that he has been gone for almost a year now. Daron, my fiancé , has been through 2 operations, a move to Grand Rapids to be with me from Kalamazoo, different jobs, different vehicles, he lost his beloved grandmother this summer, our engagement, etc.

I was able to sneak Daron away for a weekend up to my Great-Grandpas home in the country where I am from. It was the first vacation that I had in a while and the first one that he had in years… I was able to introduce him to family and friends and show him my old stomping grounds and take him to some pretty awesome places that a lot of people have not had the privilege of going to. Looking back on it all now, I am so glad that we were able to take that trip when we did. Little did I know that it would be the last time that I would see my Great-Uncle L.J. again. The cancer just became too much.

On another note, my Fibromyalgia is getting terribly worse. Its almost to the point that I can barely walk, and doing the simple things that I love to do and once enjoyed, I am no longer able to do without severe pain. Its almost becoming to be too much. Trying to get into see my doctor when he only works one day a week is ridiculous, not to mention the fact that they don’t want to do anything to help me and have pulled me off of all my pain meds because of all the drug and pill abusers out there. I think that it is sad that I have to suffer because of everyone else stupidity.

I am sure that I am forgetting something along the way, but bear in mind that this is the condensed version. Yes, a lot of loss this past year. I’m hoping that I will be able to join the workforce soon, especially with my health going to hell.

I hope that I can keep up at this a little better than I have been. I miss it, and it is always an outlet for me.

Until next time…..

 

 

 

Daron and I on Christmas

My Step-Dad, Gene

Uncle “Slim” L.J.

 

 

Fibro Fog

Ok, so most of you know that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This has not been an easy road and even though I consider myself well versed on the topic from all of my research and all of the symptoms that I have had to deal with, I am still finding myself learning more and more and struggling more and more every day.

One of the biggest challenges that I have found myself dealing with, is something that they call “Fibro Fog.” What is Fibro Fog you ask? Well, let me break it down for you:

“Fibro fog” is the name commonly given to the cognitive problems that can go along with fibromyalgia syndrome and chronic fatigue syndrome. These problems with concentration and memory can lead to confusion, losing your train of thought, or forgetting or mixing up words or details.

Some days, I feel like I am a dementia patient. I get so upset with myself. I find myself forgetting more and more and getting mixed up with everyday activities.

There are times that I have caught myself driving to a location that I have been too 100 times. And, while I am on my way there, I forget where I am going and how to get there. It is so upsetting. I have found myself having more panic attacks lately over it. I get scared, nervous and upset. You will never realize just how upsetting it is. One day everything is ok, and the next day, you cant remember peoples names, places, how to do your job… Things that you have done 1000000 times before.

You will never know the frustration of others getting mad at them because you have to ask people to repeat themselves because you forget everything that they said just 5 minutes earlier.

The worst feeling in the world is when people get mad at me, or are so short with me. They don’t realize that I am not doing it on purpose. I am really struggling on the inside. And a little bit of understanding from your part would help so much. And its not just me. It is anyone that is struggling with this terrible disorder.

We didn’t ask for this. There is no cure. We feel bad enough and a burden most times. Please don’t make it worse. Please try to understand where we are coming from and know that we are doing the very best that we can.

As always, please feel free to ask questions, read up on the subject, etc.

http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/tc/fibromyalgia-managing-fibro-fog-topic-overview   (You can check this link for more information)